Curious Notions

I am a girl who has a hard time letting go of anger. I hold on to it for months and the months are turning into years. It’s funny how letting go of one thing can be so hard and letting go of other things can be the opposite extreme, frighteningly easy. I have such a hard time letting go of hatred and anger that I won’t even buy a book on forgiveness or letting go because I don’t want to feed 25 dollars to a cause involving people with whom I see absolutely no redeeming qualities. Yet, friendships, potential boyfriends, people people people, I actually have to TRY not to let go when I catch what I think is a glimpse of an unfortunate ending of the relationship. I know that if you really think about it, it makes sense that these two extremes coexist. It’s just … unlucky that now I have to work harder NOT to walk away when in the beginning all I needed to do to save myself was TO WALK away. I’m over-compensating.

I had my first tiff with one of my friends. It’s not even a tiff; there were no argumentative exchanges.. just an unexpected out lash. I teased him and caught him at a bad moment and he spat out two words I just happen to be hypersensitive to. It’s silly. We’ve been close for a year now and this is the first time we bumped heads. Honestly, my first instinct was to walk away. Done, now next! I recognize it’s a bit haphazard and even stupid. It has just become so easy to walk away.

Sometimes I get tired of working on myself. Sometimes I just want lie down and be comfortable with all my flaws.