Did you ever watch Ally McBeal? John Cage, one of my favorite characters, had many verbal ticks, one of which was him yelling out, “BALLS!” whenever he was frustrated beyond coherence. I giggled every time and would repeat, “BALLS!” and then laugh at myself or with whomever I forced to watch Ally McBeal with me. Perhaps I have the humor of a fifteen year old boy but the word “balls” always make me laugh. I also have a penchant for themed parties and potlucks so after ruminating over what I should do for the big 30th birthday, I finally landed on having a ball themed birthday, a potluck where you bring in foods that are at least mildly in the shape of balls. Real mature right? My friend teased me that this party is a symptom of the crisis that I’m obviously having about getting older.
He didn’t mean anything by it but it struck a chord. I have been wrestling with turning 30 and trying to release the expectations I had for myself at age 30. Namely, I expected to have my shit together when it came to the American iconic benchmarks of adulthood, marriage, home ownership, and babies. I am for the most part happily attached to a boyfriend and a dog and a rented apartment. Despite being happy and grateful with what I have, recently I have been feeling like a frustrated John Cage. BALLS! Where are my benchmarks? Why am I in limbo?
Thank goodness for moments of clarity. I have a good life. I have a loving boyfriend, a patient dog who lets me dress him up, and the freedom to easily relocate when my lease ends. It’s easier for me to take trips with my girlfriends and decide spontaneously to eat out because I’m not budgeting to feed a family or worry about childcare. For a handful of reasons, I feel fulfilled. I have a good life and every time I covet the life I don’t have, I’m losing valuable time being present for the blessings I do currently have.
I’m resolving to be more present. To stop looking yonder and to nestle into all the sweet parts of my life. I hope you’re doing the same and let’s toast to having a ball while we’re at it.