Mess

A couple of weeks ago, I took Bob on a spontaneous walk to a scenic overlook called Mount Bonnell. We happened across an elaborate proposal of strangers. I sat down with Bob and was struck by how starkly it juxtaposed where I was in life. Later that same night, I ended my almost six year relationship to Alan. To stumble on a proposal a couple hours before felt like a punch in the gut. Breaking up with him is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and it’s confusing to me how something I know is the best for both of us can hurt this much.

Yesterday, I moved out. And the heaviness of my decision to divorce myself from a life I thought I’d be living for the rest of my days is weighing down on my chest. I have six years of memories to dull down and compartmentalize. I have to let go of the dreams I harbored for our future. And in the place of these dead dreams, lives this void called the unknown. So on top of the grieving and the pain of a broken heart, there’s the worry, “what will become of all this?” and I’m an absolute mess.

  • Kristen C

    My relationship and marriage all together didn’t equal six years but I understand the hard stuff of ending what you thought would be your life- it’s a pretty humbling, wild, emotional experience to know you are doing what’s right even though it hurts like hell. Everyone says it gets better which even though it does, it’s not that it gets better, it gets different. Life won’t be the same because you’re not the same which takes a while to understand the new person you are becoming too. Don’t worry about feeling sad or how long things will take– just allow yourself to feel it all because standing up for you and what is best for your life and future is always the right thing. Sending virtual hugs my dear!

  • terri

    i’m sorry to hear of your recent heartbreak. lots of hugs, linda.

  • Wendy

    Big life changes (even the ones that are supposed to be happy) are never easy. I hope that with time, the days will get easier for you. Much love to you, Linda. <3

  • lisasyarns

    Oh Linda, I just want to reach through the internet and give you a big huge hug. I am so sorry you are going through this difficult time. But I think you are so brave and courageous to make this life decision. It sucks so so so much right now, but hopefully down the road there will be this moment of epiphany where you are so thankful that you had this courage to do this. Thinking of you xoxo

  • Vishy

    I can’t imagine what you must be going through right now, Linda. I hope things become a little bit better with every new day. Sending lots of hugs to you, my friend. Take care.

  • It’s hard to say anything other than “I’m sorry” because I’ve never been in this position, but I’ll just second what Kristen said everything perfectly. Sending you lots of hugs and wishing I could make them real ones! xo

  • Bernadette Moke

    HUGS from New Jersey! My heart breaks for you. I can’t begin to imagine what you are feeling or going through. I’m glad you have Bob to hug and keep you company as your heart heals. Your readers are hear for you… you are not alone!

  • I’m sorry, friend. Sending you internet hugs and hoping you slowly feel a little less of a mess as every day goes by.

  • Bree

    I totally agree with Kristen C. The pain and hurt will diminish with time. If you felt a moment of clarity in knowing you should part from him, then the break up is for the better. Virtual hugs going out to you.

  • Ashley J

    You are brave and honest and strong for facing the real truth within yourself. You are doing what you know is right for you (even though it feels terrible when you’re doing it). This doesn’t make it any less right.

  • San

    I am sorry you’re going through a breakup, Linda. It’s tough. It’s never easy, even if you know that it is the right decision. It’s especially hard when someone has been part of your life for such a long time. Lots of hugs to you.

  • Changes like this are ridiculously difficult but it will get better. Take it day by day & don’t deny your emotions. Hugs.