I’m about done reading The Art of Loving, a philosophy/psych book recommended by Dave last week over bubble tea and tofu. Quick read. Erich Fromme. The one thing that intrigued me was his idea that our parents are our models for conditional and unconditional love. I’ve always subscribed to the idea that parents are our models in life and love. I know in love, I have a horrible atrocious habit of being over-accommodating and I know this is from years of programming from my momma. This is how she shows her love, catering to people hand and foot. Course this made her an easy target for Takers. Luckily, I recognize this in her now and in myself so I get to work on it. But Fromme takes it somewhere I’ve never thought.
He said our moms are our models for unconditional love. Mothers love us just for being. Just for breathing. Just for existing. Dads are our models for conditional love. They are the ones who discipline, set codes of behaviors and so forth. He said if we develop healthily, we learn to be our own “moms” and our own “dads”. We learn to love ourselves just for being ourselves and we learn to set conditions for ourselves to help guides us through life. I just found that SO interesting.
I shared this with Mary Ellen and she said she liked the idea but pointed out it was a bit dated with the gender specific roles. Nowadays it could be 2 dads, or a grandma, etc who serve as our model of conditional and unconditional love. She also pointed out that she can imagine girls getting the unconditional model from their dads and vice versa.
Neat right? I don’t really know how I feel about it, but it struck me. Mary Ellen said it was probably the universe trying to tell me something. Me reading that, my talking to Mary Ellen’s mom last night and how she ended the conversation telling me to “love yourself.” Finally, talking to my daddy yesterday and how we’re keeping a secret from mom right now. She almost inadvertently tricked me into outing myself.
Speaking of mom and love. A couple of weeks ago I was in Houston for Dad’s birthday. Mom made me bánh cuốn. It’s so fricking good, especially in the summer. It’s basically a rice flour thin crepe filled with minced pork and various other ingredients. Usually served with bean sprouts, cucumbers, and a dipping sauce that’s made out of lime, fish sauce, sugar and water. Just trust me, it’s good. I’m craving it. Here’s a picture of my momma’s….
The brown things are caramelized onions. Mmmm.
I leave you with some quotations from Art of Loving.
“Love is the active concern for the life and the growth of that which we love.”
“One loves that for which one labors, and one labors for that which one loves.”
“One neglects to see an important factor in erotic love, that of will. To love somebody is not just a strong feeling. It is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go. How can I judge that it will stay forever, when my act does not involve judgment and decision?”