This past Saturday, my little from Big Brothers & Big Sisters attended a one day We Are Girls Conference hosted by GENaustin. I read about the conference and immediately knew I wanted my 12 year old little to attend. We’ve had conversations that involve serious issues in dating, unhealthy body image, bullying, etc and I really want her to feel more empowered. I also wanted more insight on how to navigate our conversations.
The conference was organized so that after the keynote lecture from Rosalind Wiseman, the attendees divide by age groups and pick and choose their workshops. There were three workshop sessions. I tried so earnestly to influence my little to choose the self esteem workshop, the dating workshop, and the talking to your parents about sex workshop. She instead opted for writing, jewlery, and acting. At least I tried!
Without further rumination, here’s my paltry recap of the keynote lecture and the three workshops I chose to attend.
Keynote Address by Rosalind Wiseman
Rosalind Wiseman is the author of Queenbees and Wannabees (the movie basis for Mean Girls).
- There are three types of teasing: Good teasing, Unintentionally Bad Teasing, and Bullying
- Bullies use insults and words that send the message, “you cannot speak.” All their choice phrases is to silence their victims.
- There is a difference between snitching and reporting. Snitching is done with the intention to get someone in trouble. Reporting is done because the problem is too big to solve on your own.
- Leadership is claiming your voice.
- Listening is being ready to be changed by what you hear.
- When someone apologizes to you, don’t say, “it’s okay,” just say, “thank you.”
- Practice advocating for yourself. Do your conflict resolution with friends in person and not online.
- Don’t tell your children to ignore bullies. Tell them you’re sorry to hear it and thank them for telling you.
The Wisdom of Girls: Teens, Sex, & Truth
Workshop lead by Barb Steinberg, LMSW, producer of The Wisdom of Girls documentary.
- Be clear about your own sexual and family values with your kids. They are receiving messages about sexual values from their friends and media. Insert your voice.
- Have compassion for your teens. Their prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain that houses executive decision making) is not fully developed til they are in their early to mid twenties.
- Because they are still developing, they are bound to make mistakes. Be the soft place for them to land when they do.
- Studies show that sex education does not increase sexual activities. In fact, they seem to delay sexual activities.
- 95% of Texas schools teach abstinence only. Texas has 5th highest teen pregnancy rate and 3rd highest repeat teen pregnancy rate.
- It takes guts for your teens to come to you with their questions about sex. Have the guts to answer them.
- Normalize sex in conversation with your teens.
- The point of normalizing sex in conversation is to be an askable parent.
- Askable parents can have opinions. Acknowledge your own opinions and desires for your children but also express understanding that they need to decide for themselves.
- A good way to initiate conversation is to ask them what their friends are doing.
- Tell your children that sex should feel good and if it doesn’t it might be a red flag that something physically or emotionally is not right.
- Tell them to trust the quiet wise voice inside of them.
- If they are in the moment and sex is in the immediate future, a good way to buy time is to announce the need to pee. Claiming you’re on your period is a bad buying time device. (You can’t be on your period next week and the week after that.) Teach your children to buy time, sit in the bathroom, find quiet wise voice, and make the choice for themselves.
- Be as detailed and concrete as you can be when discussing birth control. Use cucumbers if need be.
- Remind them of the stats. They may come to you and say they feel like everybody is doing it. Remind them half of the population is not.
- 60% of teens wish they waited longer. It’s 80% for girls.