When I go through a hard time, I’m usually simultaneously keenly aware of how good I still have it. I noticed it every time I faced a heartache or big set back. It’s usually when the saints of my life come out into the light and remind me that I’m supported and loved. When I reflect back on this year, the glaring ugly spot was being laid off and scrambling for cash and thus feeling insecure and sometimes even unworthy. I’m in my thirties, how do I not have my life figured out? But then I looked around that blemish and I saw a lot of wonderful things. As I struggled through these feelings of unworthiness, my dad, unaware of the mental dressing down I put myself through, told me, “I’m proud of you. You do a lot. You can do a lot. You take care of yourself and others.”
“You took us to Vegas this year!”
“I couldn’t do that for you now and you did it for me and mom.”
Fuuck. He took my breath away with that statement. That’s only a small fraction of what he’s given his family. His confidence in me though was so timely and appreciated.
This year’s pleasant surprise is my relationship with Sugarface. This time last year, I cherished our friendship but had no idea it would yield the biggest romantic treasure of my life. This time last year, I had just moved into an apartment without a couch and Sugarface helped me put together a dining room table. I had no idea that a few weeks later, I’d feel butterflies when we held hands for the first time.
I journaled it. I wrote about how scared I was because this could be a really great thing or a really painful thing. I actually equated the feeling I had as Bambi eating delicious fresh grass in a snow-laden meadow. This grass is delicious and inviting but what if I get shot?
As time went on, that fear of possible danger lurking dissipated to feelings of security and acceptance. As the ugly and dark layers of my personality and history and story aired out incrementally, Sugarface remained loving and accepting. I’ve never experienced this kind of acceptance and love from a significant other before. Thank you 2015. Thank you Universe!
The second half of the year, I withdrew from my social life. I didn’t want to subject my friends to the Negative Nancy I was becoming but some of these saints, man. They love hard. They were patient even though I wasn’t receptive to phone calls and emails. I took forever to respond and they never stopped reaching out. And when I sheepishly came back, they carried on with me as if no time has passed. Ever generous and kind, these fun-loving friends.
I was inspired to look back at this year with my rose-tinted glasses on after reading a handful of blog posts of people counting their blessings for Thanksgiving. And I’m glad I did. This year has been awesome. There was that trip to Vegas. A trip to Utah. A trip to Chicago. Dance parties, hungry kisses, cohabitation, a new project with old friends, scenic boat rides, long phone calls, countless coffee dates, and days brimmed with joy and laughter.
Thank you 2015. Thank you Universe!