I’ve started dating this year and I’ve been careful with doling out aspects of my personality and history. It’s safer and feels more responsible. I read in one of Brene Brown’s books about how the difference between vulnerability and over-sharing is that one is an act of trust, incrementally arrived to, whereas over-sharing is an act of desperation. Alongside dating, I’ve also started challenging myself with fears. I did it as a 30 Day project in December and called it Fear Factor December. I challenged myself to face a fear every day that month. The spirit of this project has resonated even after December and I’ve found myself being intrigued by my fears and toeing more lines, from dating to rappelling down 38 stories.
A reoccurring fear I keep bumping up against is being naked and exposed and authentic, or being seen for who I am. There’s so much risk in being yourself. Not only is there the general fear of rejection that I think is part of the human condition, but also the fear of being misinterpreted. Someone not accepting me for who I am is scary but if what if they reject me on a misinterpretation? What if they get me all wrong?
The act of letting myself be seen is also an act of consciously letting go. I surrender to the illusion of control. I can never fully protect myself from rejection. Even if I am careful with what part of me I reveal and on what timeline I do it, there is never going to be a guarantee on not being hurt.
So I’ve been literally and metaphorically experimenting with exposing myself. I am self-conscious about a surgical scar that runs down my back. Because of my insecurity, I typically avoid being seen in my bathing suit or tying my hair up when I’m wearing a strapless sundress. I’ve started to go to the pool when it’s nearly deserted and tying my hair up. I force myself to sit there and enjoy my reading until I am not even thinking about how I’m feeling naked and flawed. I went on a date with someone who I consider first a friend, which is terrifying. There is no hiding who I am when we’ve been friends for a while now. Yet there I am standing, hoping that the flawed parts of my personality he is already privy to doesn’t scare him away from me romantically.
As uncomfortable as it is to stand in the light, the reason why I push to overcome this fear is the payout can be so great. How freeing will it be bask in sunlight and not worry about my physical flaws being judged? How deep a love can I experience if I don’t curate what I project? If I can simply be and still be loved for it?
Yes, I must keep toeing this line.