A couple of weeks ago, I took Bob on a spontaneous walk to a scenic overlook called Mount Bonnell. We happened across an elaborate proposal of strangers. I sat down with Bob and was struck by how starkly it juxtaposed where I was in life. Later that same night, I ended my almost six year relationship to Alan. To stumble on a proposal a couple hours before felt like a punch in the gut. Breaking up with him is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and it’s confusing to me how something I know is the best for both of us can hurt this much.

Yesterday, I moved out. And the heaviness of my decision to divorce myself from a life I thought I’d be living for the rest of my days is weighing down on my chest. I have six years of memories to dull down and compartmentalize. I have to let go of the dreams I harbored for our future. And in the place of these dead dreams, lives this void called the unknown. So on top of the grieving and the pain of a broken heart, there’s the worry, “what will become of all this?” and I’m an absolute mess.